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I started today filled with anxiety and I couldn’t get my body or thoughts to just go to a neutral, calm place. I showed up at Planned Pethood Plus with Kai, thinking I’d get right in. I guess, in my mind, it was a continuation of the extreme emergency that was carried over from last month. But he wasn’t actually blocked this time. And we weren’t coming from a vet who butchered him. So, despite arriving at 12:30 pm, we had to wait our turn. Someone could see him at 2:00 pm.

I called Mom and told her I was back in Denver, getting Kai looked at again, and squeezed in a visit with her while waiting for Kai’s appointment. Some tree trimmers arrived and asked me to move my car to accommodate their long truck. My “energy” was not calm or accommodating, and moving my car down the street meant carrying a sick cat that much further when I left. I wasn’t friendly about it. I just wasn’t in that space. And I’m sorry about that.

I found myself thinking, “You’re supposed to be finding your fricken’ joy, Merri!” How am I going to write about joy, when I’m just pissed and depleted right now? Again? I grinned when I thought about a meme where a woman sits with her legs crossed in a meditative pose, saying to herself, “Okay inner peace, I don’t have all day.”
I instinctively knew that the energy I put out would be the energy I got back, and I couldn’t afford to jeopardize Kai’s health because I wasn’t playing nice with the world. I vowed to humble myself and do what I could to change my energy and expectations. It worked. My conversation with the vet was informative and my bill was nominal compared to what I expected. There was good news about Kai’s health, so I drove back home with a sense of peace, which I believe was felt by Kai. We were both relieved, and he didn’t make a sound on the drive back home. I was overcome with relief and peace — a feeling I wanted to package up and carry forward into each minute of every day.
Then I began to think about my book on joy. From a contented grin to pure bliss — I had experienced both today. The feeling of relief is such a great place to be. I think gratitude and joy go hand-in-hand. I was grateful. So grateful. But my senses were wide open and I noticed such beauty on the drive home. BLUE, blue skies, and puffy, white clouds. And after all that Kai has been through – he’s going to be okay. 

This is what joy feels like. #FindingJoy